When I had my daughter there wasn’t any concerns. It was a normal pregnancy and birth. She was a beautiful healthy baby at almost 5 pounds and 17 inches. A little fussy at first, but the doctors said it was most likely she had an allergy to dairy and switched her formula. It seemed to help some. She would wake up a lot through the night. so frequent that I ended up just keeping her in the same room as me. The only way to get her to sleep was rocking or car rides. The doctor said she was just a very colicky baby and had no concerns.
She hit all the milestones right on target as she got older. A little shy around people but that is common. Her voice was so soft, and she was so well behaved. She was a typical child with a tantrum here or there but nothing like her older brother. In which case had been in early programming for almost a year at that time and was doing amazing. I didn’t have any concerns for her at all. Besides at that time the specialist believed Autism was mostly in males and only usually in one child not all siblings at this time.
At four years old, just before starting school she started having difficulty with her vison. So, when she started having more frequent behaviors myself and the doctors thought it was due to her starting school and not being able to see very well making her frustrated. She would get angry at herself for mixing up letters and numbers or that she couldn’t read as well as her big brother. On top of that thinking they were learned behavior from her brother. Even though he was doing much better he would once in a while still have a tantrum, but they were no where’s as server as before. I had seen it at my job where one individual would start to copy others behavior’s. It’s something all kids do.
Shortly after starting school, she would call herself stupid and other names, in which case I did not use in my home. Her outburst started getting more frequent and tantrums became more server. Her whole personality seemed to change as if someone hit a switch on a light. What was going on with my daughter for this to be happening. I started asking doctors and teachers which in turn would say something had to of happen to her. something traumatic. With those words as a parent, you think the worst of everyone. Knowing nothing happened to your child when you were with them so when or where could have anything happen and by who. Their father had just moved out right before I had her younger brother. Was that what was affecting her. She was starting to eat a lot more almost as if she couldn’t get full. She seemed to have trouble paying attention and focusing on things. Then the PICA (eating/putting noneatable items in her mouth) started. I had the doctors do exams and studies with her. If something somehow happened to my baby, I wanted to know. Not to mention now I’m being questioned as if I allowed someone to hurt my child. Being a mandated reporter for abuse myself I knew they were only doing their job, and I tried to not let it upset me. I had nothing to hide and all I wanted was to get to the bottom of what was going on with her so I could help her. The doctor reassured me there was no signs of abuse and her behaviors could be due to ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), and she would need to be evaluated.
At this time my oldest son was unofficially diagnosed with Autism by his school program and new pediatric doctor. He was on a list for evaluation by a professional clinic for almost a year at this time. How long would I have to wait for her to get in to be evaluated. In the meantime, she is struggling and on top of that now I have a school system that even with a doctor and specialist saying my daughter was not abused. The behaviors were due to ADHA. thinking I am a bad parent, already starting to pass judgement on me. That something had to of happened to her.
This is when I started to see how fast others are to judge and use stereotype-based thinking on parents and children with disabilities. I used to be the same way before I started working with individuals with special needs and actually getting to know the families. Not to mention knowing the newer research had blown most of the old information out the door before I even had my daughter. I knew the belief of the parent must have used drugs or alcohol during pregnancy, there isn’t any discipline or they must have been abused. The home has to be dysfunctional in one way or the other for children to act out in these ways. Well then, the parents must have some kind of learning disability themself.
I get that we tend to judge based off are experiences and information we have been given. It is hard to keep up on newer information and studies on different things keeping that in mind. The information has been changing a lot over very short periods from my experience. Not to mention I knew the families of the individuals I took care of and I can assure you none of those things applied to most of them. I was starting to see what some of those parents had gone through having a child with special needs.
The phone calls from her school would be at least once a week due to her behaviors. She would walk out of the class or hide on them outside during recess. Putting things in her mouth she shouldn’t have been. Then the yelling and talking back started. Here she was in first grade now and still on a waiting list. The school telling me I wasn’t doing enough and to call the doctors every day to get her in. Working in the field I knew most of the specialist were full and the wait was long.
This part does not come easy for me to talk about. I knew I was doing everything I could for her at the time. I would even discuss things with coworkers to try and see if there was a way to move her up the waiting list. I had her put on three different clinic list for specialists to evaluate her. I didn’t go through this with my oldest. He never went to the public school. This was new for me, and it shocked me. I had heard stories about how some public schools treated parents of special needs children, but the reality of it didn’t hit until it was happening to me. Having someone come into your home asking you a million questions on how you parent your child. going through your home seeing how clean it is, if there is food and clothing for your child. The paperwork from doctors and the referrals for specialist to prove you are doing everything for your child. As you are being asked questions along with the look on their face when they see your home and children. It hits you; the school called them. The anger and disbelief I had you can’t imagine. Then to have my kids scared to death thinking some stranger was taking them away from stories they heard from other people. This person was just doing their job, and I had no reason for concern. I keep a clean home, and my kids always have what they need. So, I gave them what they needed and held back my anger. The next day my daughter’s teacher called and confirmed by straight out telling me they had called because now that child services where involved the doctors would move my daughter to the top of the list. In their exact words ” We did it to help you”.
They put my children in fear causing both my daughter and oldest son to shut down and become more behavioral. Not only at home but at their schools also. Simply because now my daughter is scared of the school now after hearing staff talk about what they did. Now I have more stress and worries to deal with. so no, it didn’t help it only made things harder for all of us in my home. This went on for almost a year with the school calling child serves almost every week. It got to the point they asked me if I wanted to file harassment charges on the school. Child serves even informed me they were starting to see a pattern with some school districts and families that have children with special needs. This was not ok for schools to be doing.
We finally got in for her to be evaluated that summer after I reached out once again to co-workers for help. With a lot of phone calls and favors asked she got moved up on a list. Being diagnosed with ADHD and O.D.D we were on are way to get her the help she needed. At this time a newer program had started in a different school district that was specializing in autism and other learning disabilities for children that had challenging behaviors. Yes, there were a few people that I had worked with for years that went to work there. That was how I knew about it. With knowing a school district had to meet my child’s needs or transfer them to another one that could. I had already transferred my oldest to the other school program. Where he was doing really good. so, I started the push for my daughter to go there as well. Now with having two children with special needs that I needed to advocate for, my strides got even bigger.